Transitions

Transitions are often a time of confusion, fear, and disorientation.  Anything that leads to major life changes requires a redefining of our core self: embarking on a new marriage, ending a marriage; becoming a new parent, children  leaving home to embark on their adult journey; beginning a new career, ending a career (willingly or unwilling), a promotion; emerging from childhood into adolescence, each time we enter into a new life-cycle; a newly diagnosed long-term health problem or physical disability; death of a loved one.  These are but a few of examples of transitions that each of us face throughout our lifetime. We often ask, "Who am I now?" "What's my next step?" "Is there a next step?" "Will I be successful?"  "Will I be a failure?"  Fear is often our constant companion. At times we can be plunged into despair and other times filled with the elation of having the freedom to explore and try on new roles.
In earlier times, transitions were viewed as a time of sacredness with rituals designed to assist tribal members to integrate into their new forms. These rituals were part of the fabric of tribal life. 
Today we can see vestiges of these rituals in funeral, wedding celebrations, Bar Mitzvahs, Shiva to name just a few. However, in our fast pace world we often demand of ourselves that we "just get over it."  We try to force ourselves to keep going. And we wonder where our joy in life has gone.  Honouring each stage of transitional periods in our lives is just as important today as it was in earlier times.  Each stage - endings, betwixt and between, and reconnection - has it's own demands and rhythms.  Learning the rhythms and letting go into them allows for a new, healthy and nourishing reconnection into life.

the "but" defense

One way we can hide from the pain we have caused another is the "but" defense.  We admit to an identified behaviour painful to another and then qualify it with a "but":  "I see you are upset but that's not what I meant;"  "I know that my reaction was extreme, but if you hadn't done ____ then I wouldn't have reacted like that."  There are many variations on this theme and I am sure that most can come up with examples from their own lives.  A few years ago while doing a ten month Dance Therapy group with several other therapists with diverse backgrounds, the "yes but" defense emerged frequently.  This took me by surprise.  After all, the job of a therapist is to create a therapeutic container, enabling the toleration of painful feelings.  To do this, a client must trust that at all times their emotional experiences will be validated with no qualifications. It speaks of the dedication  and value assigned to healing and healthy relationships of the members of this group that the 'but' defense had almost completely disappeared at the end of the ten months. Respectful and gentle challenging by the facilitator, validating the experience of both parties allowed for deep and permanent changes to emerge.  However, it also shows that denying the impact of our behaviour and words is something we all struggle with regardless of who we are, what profession we are in, how old we are, or what cultural background we may come from.  Still to sit with the pain, work it through with the target of our hurtful behaviours or words creates a closeness, intimacy, and joy not otherwise available to us.

wrong beliefs

A major reason we cling to wrong beliefs is the emotional pain we experience when confronted with the knowledge that we are wrong.  Emotions such as shame and humiliation get triggered - emotions that are so painful we will do almost anything to avoid them.  So, we bluster, deny, make excuses, or create elaborate explanations to protect ourselves and gain short term relief.  The problem with these strategies and behaviours is in the longer term  authentic, meaningful dialogue disappears.  Intimacy and connection to others disappear.  Learning how to tolerate these painful emotions is key in being able to acknowledge our errors and allow new information in that allows us to then rationally and logically integrate it so that we can adjust our beliefs to more accurately reflect the reality of the world around us.  The benefit - emotionally satisfying relationships that permit our true self to emerge in its full potential.

I am happy to announce the opening of my Cranbrook office. I am now accepting clients. Call to make your appointment today at 250-402-3262.

Knowing

 The information we take in through our senses allows us make meaning of our world. These sensory experiences provide us with a sense of knowing, of being certain that our memory of an event is accurate.  It is generally accepted if we see something than the details we recall must be true.  This maxim has been an integral belief upheld by the Canadian and U.S. Criminal Justice System; evidence reported by an eye witness has, until recently, been given more weight than other types of evidence during criminal trials.  What better authority than the Courts of our land to provide legitimacy for the accuracy of memories based on our sense of sight.  And yet, there have been numerous and tragic false convictions based on eye witness accounts both in Canada and the U.S.  It turns out that we seldomly remember with 100 per cent accuracy and often with less than 30 per cent, often reporting nonexistant details. This has been known for over a century through the numerous experiments conducted with first year psychology students throughout Europe, Canada, and the United States. So, if this is true, why do we cling so strongly to being right, even in the face of new and contradictory evidence?  This is a complex question and will be examined over the next few days.

World Maps II

These maps or beliefs are the rules of our behaviour.  They are necessary.  Without them, we would spend endless energy gathering and analysing information, never knowing when we had enough information to make an informed decision.  This ability is a large part of what constitutes human intelligence - integrating past experience as a future template for action.  It can also be our downfall, particularly when negative beliefs about ourself and/or the world are formed during a painful and overwhelming experience.  The felt sense of beliefs is one of truth throughout our entire being, leading us to choose our responses and behaviours through these rules.  Research has shown that we reject information that challenges our beliefs, acknowledging only that information which confirms them.  Thus, negative beliefs resulting from painful situations ensure a repeating pattern of unfulfilling experiences:  emotionally, physically, and in relationships.  So, how do we overcome these self-defeating beliefs?  The common advice of  "pulling  ourselves up by the bootstraps and getting on with it" leaves us feeling worse as, no matter how often we try, we find ourselves failing again and again. Using positive statements to replace negative thoughts alone helps for awhile but requires continuous monitoring - and exhausting exercise at best.  It is only when we engage the body-mind connection that we can begin to create and integrate new and life affirming maps of our world.

Life Maps

The beliefs we hold are the maps we use to navigate through the variable choices we are presented with each and every day. These maps allow us to make decisions efficiently, and mostly, effectively.  We compare the current situation to a previous, simular one and make a decision based on that.  It is not different than the process we go through when we are planning to travel a familiar route.  We do not check a map.  Most often we do not bother to consciously think about the route we need to take.  This happens automatically. However, sometimes our life maps or beliefs work against us, leading us to limit or sabatage ourselves.  There are many quick fix remedies in the popular literature today that leave one feeling like a failure; the promise of these remedies are not realized.  You can't just change them by covering them up with positive affirmations.  Our subconscious must first believe an affirmation before it will replace an old defeating belief.  And no amount of repetition will convince our subconscious otherwise.  This does not mean being condemned to a life of self-defeating beliefs.  More on this tomorrow.

New Possibilities

Give your body a message of love and value.
We have many, many parts to ourselves that are
present, but not manifest...
present, but unknown to us...
present, but covered up.

So our journey onward,
regardless of where we are,
can always be
a delicious surprise.
Sometimes with pain
Sometimes with excitement,
But always with new possibilities
for ourselves.  Virginia Satir

Freedom

Freedom is a positive force...flowing up from a spring of boundless depth.  Freedom is the power to create out of nothing, the power of the spirit create of itself.  Nikolai Berdyayev
Do you ever feel you are not living your full potential.  Discover the ways to overcome barriers that interfere with unleashing the boundless depths of your creativity.  EMDR and OEI are two effective therapies that open us up to becoming the best of who we are.