the "but" defense

One way we can hide from the pain we have caused another is the "but" defense.  We admit to an identified behaviour painful to another and then qualify it with a "but":  "I see you are upset but that's not what I meant;"  "I know that my reaction was extreme, but if you hadn't done ____ then I wouldn't have reacted like that."  There are many variations on this theme and I am sure that most can come up with examples from their own lives.  A few years ago while doing a ten month Dance Therapy group with several other therapists with diverse backgrounds, the "yes but" defense emerged frequently.  This took me by surprise.  After all, the job of a therapist is to create a therapeutic container, enabling the toleration of painful feelings.  To do this, a client must trust that at all times their emotional experiences will be validated with no qualifications. It speaks of the dedication  and value assigned to healing and healthy relationships of the members of this group that the 'but' defense had almost completely disappeared at the end of the ten months. Respectful and gentle challenging by the facilitator, validating the experience of both parties allowed for deep and permanent changes to emerge.  However, it also shows that denying the impact of our behaviour and words is something we all struggle with regardless of who we are, what profession we are in, how old we are, or what cultural background we may come from.  Still to sit with the pain, work it through with the target of our hurtful behaviours or words creates a closeness, intimacy, and joy not otherwise available to us.

wrong beliefs

A major reason we cling to wrong beliefs is the emotional pain we experience when confronted with the knowledge that we are wrong.  Emotions such as shame and humiliation get triggered - emotions that are so painful we will do almost anything to avoid them.  So, we bluster, deny, make excuses, or create elaborate explanations to protect ourselves and gain short term relief.  The problem with these strategies and behaviours is in the longer term  authentic, meaningful dialogue disappears.  Intimacy and connection to others disappear.  Learning how to tolerate these painful emotions is key in being able to acknowledge our errors and allow new information in that allows us to then rationally and logically integrate it so that we can adjust our beliefs to more accurately reflect the reality of the world around us.  The benefit - emotionally satisfying relationships that permit our true self to emerge in its full potential.

I am happy to announce the opening of my Cranbrook office. I am now accepting clients. Call to make your appointment today at 250-402-3262.

Knowing

 The information we take in through our senses allows us make meaning of our world. These sensory experiences provide us with a sense of knowing, of being certain that our memory of an event is accurate.  It is generally accepted if we see something than the details we recall must be true.  This maxim has been an integral belief upheld by the Canadian and U.S. Criminal Justice System; evidence reported by an eye witness has, until recently, been given more weight than other types of evidence during criminal trials.  What better authority than the Courts of our land to provide legitimacy for the accuracy of memories based on our sense of sight.  And yet, there have been numerous and tragic false convictions based on eye witness accounts both in Canada and the U.S.  It turns out that we seldomly remember with 100 per cent accuracy and often with less than 30 per cent, often reporting nonexistant details. This has been known for over a century through the numerous experiments conducted with first year psychology students throughout Europe, Canada, and the United States. So, if this is true, why do we cling so strongly to being right, even in the face of new and contradictory evidence?  This is a complex question and will be examined over the next few days.