the "but" defense

One way we can hide from the pain we have caused another is the "but" defense.  We admit to an identified behaviour painful to another and then qualify it with a "but":  "I see you are upset but that's not what I meant;"  "I know that my reaction was extreme, but if you hadn't done ____ then I wouldn't have reacted like that."  There are many variations on this theme and I am sure that most can come up with examples from their own lives.  A few years ago while doing a ten month Dance Therapy group with several other therapists with diverse backgrounds, the "yes but" defense emerged frequently.  This took me by surprise.  After all, the job of a therapist is to create a therapeutic container, enabling the toleration of painful feelings.  To do this, a client must trust that at all times their emotional experiences will be validated with no qualifications. It speaks of the dedication  and value assigned to healing and healthy relationships of the members of this group that the 'but' defense had almost completely disappeared at the end of the ten months. Respectful and gentle challenging by the facilitator, validating the experience of both parties allowed for deep and permanent changes to emerge.  However, it also shows that denying the impact of our behaviour and words is something we all struggle with regardless of who we are, what profession we are in, how old we are, or what cultural background we may come from.  Still to sit with the pain, work it through with the target of our hurtful behaviours or words creates a closeness, intimacy, and joy not otherwise available to us.